Cattle v Cringle

This is a cow in a feed lot. From the moment it's born its fate as food is sealed. It doesn't know this, of course, and so eats and craps and sleeps and interacts with other cows until one day it ends up in a feed lot like this and is soon after killed and processed through one of humankind's most nightmarish creations, an abattoir.

This is Michael Clarke and Lara Bingle, or 'Cringle' as some wildly unimaginative Aussie journos have labeled them. They are sometimes referred to as the David and Victoria Beckham of Australia, the difference being that Beckham and his one-time Spice Girl wife are known around the world and Cringle could ride on white horses through Times Square and no one would give a damn. Clarke is vice-captain of the Australian cricket team, a notable achievement in a sport played in a handful of countries. Bingle is a model whose break came a few years ago as a bikini-clad bimbo beseeching British TV viewers to visit Australia (below).

Like our cow awaiting slaughter at the top of this post, Cringle has been at the mercy of others for nourishment since their moment of conception (most likely after several cocktails at one of Sydney's many glamorous hotspots). Aussie tabloids and women's magazines have sold countless copies to the masses craving intimate details about a guy who plays cricket and a woman with enormous ... teeth. Cringle, of course, happily submitted. Their engagement graduated the pair from gossip mags to serious news across all Aussie media outlets, especially after it was reported that Clarke popped the question with a $200,000 ring (not much of a question, really -- what woman would resist the devil himself for such expensive bling?).

Unlike our cow, however, Cringle understood its place in the food chain. What it apparently did not understand was the inevitability of its slaughter.

The details of this slaughter nearly match those of an abattoir, so the less said the better. The gist: Bingle (and a newly hired publicist) decided to sue a well-known and married AFL player (with whom Bingle once had an affair) for circulating a nude photo of Bingle taken with a camera phone. The photo was immediately splashed across front pages and TV screens throughout Australia. In other words, a publicist's jackpot. A women's magazine ran the 'demeaning' photo and then paid Bingle $100K to dish HER side of the tale. This led Clarke to abandon his teammates in New Zealand and return to Cringle's $5 million Bondi Beach apartment (funny how most things Cringle-related have price tags -- viva los publicists!). Like the sharks that regularly visit Bondi's beautiful blue waters, paparazzi swarmed Cringle's posh love nest. Suit-wearing 'reporters' speculated on what they could see from outside the building. Bingle made it easy for the breathless cretins below with a one-finger salute from Cringle's balcony.

This turned out to be the final act of resistance. By the time it was officially announced that Cringle was finished -- after tabloids and wacky morning radio DJs sang hosannas with a rumour Clarke had rang a local plumber to come and rescue the $200K ring that Bingle had flushed -- there was nothing to show for its carcass but reams of rubbished newsprint, hours of prattling heads on video and a national press corps that, unlike abattoir workers who at least hose down the killing floors, was happy to wallow in its own filth.